Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Top 10: The Things I Steal



The beauty of my thievery is not only the fact I'm not obliged to be armed and dangerous, but also I don't have to apply makeup or leave home to pull-off the heist.

The unpleasant part of the crime is I am sometimes caught in the act or prior to the robbery I ask permission to take something that doesn't belong to me. Big mistake. After many years of doing this, I've found stealth and subterfuge are the best methods.

Have a good alibi. Do any necessary explaining after the fact if you get caught. 

You may be a far better person than I and wouldn't dream of such undercover tactics, in that case, let me say right this minute: I admire you for your honesty, but honestly sometimes it wastes so much time whining and begging when you want instant gratification that you no longer want what you wanted. (Are you with me?)

I steal what I like from drawers and closets. Nuance: They are not my drawers or closets. I pilfer from My-Reason-for-Living-in-France. If he says something like: "Have you seen my navy blue cashmere V-neck sweater?" I will reply, "Just a second, let me look for it." Then I produce the sweater. (You see, I don't lie even though I steal.)

Here then is some of my favorite loot. . .

TOP 10: Things I Steal

Charvet cuff-links
1.) Cuff-links: The silk braided ones in a variety of colors from Charvet and a pair of Art Deco onyx and mother-of-pearl with a tiny diamond in the center -- love those. I'm actually considering coming right out and asking if I could please turn one of them into a pair of earrings -- both sides are onyx, mother-of-pearl and diamond. (Now you're asking yourself, what will he do with one cuff link? I need more time to think about this.)
2.) Silk pochettes: I put them in the pockets of my jackets and on occasion twist a couple together to make a scarf necklace.

3.) Neckties: Used as belts. He has 75,000 ties and wears only two of them so it's not as if this is a capital crime.



4.) Above mentioned V-neck sweaters.

5.) His watch. This I admit is verrrrry tricky and requires my highly developed persuasion skills. Even someone as clever as I cannot just rip-off a Cartier Tank watch. I confess I've failed on occasion.

6.) Chanel Monsieur cologne. Since I smell just like he does, it's hard for him to notice whether it's me or him. 
7.) A blue/gray cashmere scarf. It's the only one he owns, given to him by me before I knew he didn't wear scarves. He would give it to me if I asked.


8.) His pleated front tuxedo shirt. We have the same length arms -- 34 inches.

9.) Linen handkerchiefs. Love handkerchiefs period, but men's are the best.


10.) Burlington argyle socks. He has them in every imaginable color combo -- thanks to me, I might add -- which I sometimes wear with my moccasins in the winter.

Et voilà.

29 comments:

coffeeaddict said...

Steal is such a no room for interpretation word. I prefer borrow or use. Mr. C is much taller so there is a limited selection of things I could borrow, but so far:
1. His white button down with sleeves cuffed
2. ties
3. cravat
4. bathrobe
5. scarves
6. underwear to use in lieu of proper pajamas

Vivienne said...

Ah, Burlington argyle socks - how I WISH they were sold in the US. I buy embarrassing numbers of these when I'm in France... sigh...

Gracie's Mom said...

I think you are only being sensible. How silly would it be to go out and buy these items a second time for yourself when they are already sitting in the closet not being worn? Your RFLIF should be proud of your refined taste and sensitivity and happy that you are such a frugal wife.

P.S. I agree whole heartedly with your selection of items that must be temporarily removed from your husbands closet and drawers on occasion.

Spiral Style said...

Ahhh!! An untapped resource I must consider.

Sulky kitten said...

How ingenious!I admit to taking the occasional smidgen of his Miller Harris Feuilles de Tabac, and gently dabbing it behind the dog's ears. (That's not a euphemism-we really do have a dog!)

Pam @ over50feeling40 said...

I would "take" those cuff links and the cashmere scarf with NO regrets!! Every time I put on my white blouse now I will think of those cuff links!!!

BigLittleWolf said...

That cashmere scarf if heaven!

(I've always loved 'stealing' a boyfriend's large sweater or button down shirt, preferably blue... and very fine cotton.)

déjà pseu said...

If that were my husband's watch, he'd never get it back. That's my Holy Grail watch...

I've stolen his white v-neck undershirts on occasion, once he's worn them enough to soften them up.

Love the argyle socks!

kathy peck said...

My husband is 6'4" - so very little I can steal from him. And he has fantastic watches, but all with deployment buckles, so no luck there either :(
But, I'd take those onyx cufflinks in a flash, and make them into earrings. Make a second pair for your daughter, so he doesn't have to bother with only one cufflink!

Class factotum said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Class factotum said...

I wear my husband's sweatshirt when he's out of town, but I was busted when I posted a photo of the cat on my arm on facebook

hostess of the humble bungalow said...

I never steal or wear anything of my husband's.
He is taller and much larger so I'd be swimming in his clothes!

Lily Lemontree said...

For such an elegant thief, I think a pardon should be inevitable! I too, have been known to swipe a few things from the mister! :)
Hope you are having a wonderful week my friend!
xoxo

Lost in Provence said...

Of course. I actually said to Remi not too long ago "what is the point of living together for ten years if I can't steal your clothes?" I like thinking creatively. The parka phase this year? Pof! I stole his and wear it open for that "I don't really care about keeping warm" look. As for watches, don't get me started. Any woman worth her salt should be able to pull off a man's watch.
And ps. sentimentally, I kept one of my Dad's shirts and wear it every Summer...

Sheila said...

Burlington argyle socks are not sold in the U.S.? Seriously?

sharon said...

The poor man, unwittingly robbed of his most treasured possessions and you even have the gall to tell the world!!
xox

Ann Marie said...

The fine art of "sharing"....! Your man has very good taste!

Looking Fab in your forties said...

I don't steal anything but you have certainly given me ideas!

Shelley said...

Bill shares his running tights, gloves and hats with me when I need help in the winter; come to think of it his running shorts fit me as well.

Debbi@SheAccessorizesWell said...

I prefer the word relocate rather than steal.For example, I relocated the cufflinks to my blouse.
That Cartier Tank would be on my wrist too. I love them, just cannot afford one (unless the lottery comes through.)

helen tilston said...

Oh Tish, you are funny. I wore my husbands cashmere sweater for years, he still treasures it. We share a leather jacket for very cold days when walking the dog. I would take those socks too if he had them.

A fun post
Helen xx

Jill Ann said...

I never "steal" anything of my husband's. He doesn't have very exciting clothes, for one thing; golf shirts and Dockers, that's the bulk of his wardrobe. I do wear his jackets occasionally. But if he had that Cartier watch, I'd be all over that! That exact watch is on my lifetime "if you want to really, really splurge on a gift for me" list. He did ask me recently if I needed the solid gold one, or if the stainless steel back would be sufficient. As the solid gold is about twice as expensive, I could live with the stainless steel back, I believe. It's STILL too expensive. BTW, ESQ by Movado has a very nice looking clone of this watch for a mere $300. I've been ogling it at Dillard's for months.

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Semi Expat said...

Ha! Love this post. I have "borrowed" from Mr SE from time to time. I think he doesn't notice and then says "why are the sleeves of my shirt/jumper/dressing gown/ all rolled up?" I feign innocence - best way!! XXX

Elizabeth Eiffel said...

On reading this, I fetched my husband and insisted he peruse this post too. I'm not alone with this issue ……and neither is he! Vindicated at last ! Thank you Trish.

la fourchette said...

I did the same thing when I was married. When all was said and done, he never missed a few of those items when we parted...including a very cool pair of cufflinks. Errr...make that *two* very cool pairs ... and a couple of cashmere sweaters...and no, it was not stealing...just part of the community property settlement. ;}

Carol said...

l too would be ' borrowing' from his closet and drawers. The watch, the cufflinks, his sweaters, the cologne. The whole darn lot actually !

J. said...

This is such a great post, both funny and helpful. Loved it!!

John Mulu said...

This thread has great information on shopping. A friend of mine told me about this cool app that allows you to get instant feedback from your Facebook friends on whether you should buy something or not (for themselves or as a gift). Here's the link - I think the app is coming out around Black Friday but you can sign up now:

http://bit.ly/sibifm

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